Trust

Trust. This word comes like a loaded gun and when I sit with it, my mind could go in so many different directions, I wonder where it begins and where it ends.

How does a baby build trust? fresh into this world, science tells us that we store memories from the moment our brains are developed in utero. In-womb memories of what surrounds our mothers, from environment to people and feeling what the mother feels, her stress is the babes stress, her joy is their joy. Absolute dependance is why an infant is reliant on its carer to protect it. But we aren't just animals in the animal kingdom, we have the ability to reflect on action and feel remorse. We keep memory of abandonment and we learn that when left in a room to cry it out, this means when we have needs they wont be met. Blurry vision, over stimulated and completely instinctual, it's through repetition of when their cues of distress are either met or not met and this is what builds trust or sadly distrust. Trust that they will be fed, comforted, kept warm and safe. I believe the fundamentals of trust building are the same even in adulthood. Instinctual, repetition of action in response to communication and expression. This is a fine thread that constantly relies on the ability to process and accept the other person and their direct and indirect actions in response to what information you have given them and this thread can snap at any point.

Emotional maturity is a term thrown around more these days. Narcissism is another. The balance between emotional maturity and the ego and when that tips and the result is not just people who mess with our heads, but in more sinister times, they are sociopathic about it. They have the ability to see the result of their actions and the effects on other people, however, they choose to continue because it's about gratifying themselves. These experiences cause deep distrust, not only of others but of yourself. Gaslighting is a key term more widely known as well. The action of a narcissist changing the story until you doubt your own sanity. Using your vulnerability as a weapon against you to keep you tethered to them in what ever role they want to control you in. This is where the worm hole opens up in my mind and although I love to write fluidly, I can see this post could get lost. I will try and break it down into simple things I live by and then discuss why trust is a very transient thing.

Growing up with a father who has an intense case of teaching syndrome and often used over generalised statements as though what was said was fact with no room for discussion and if you tried to argue it, you were deemed inexperienced and therefore had not reached the conclusion that you inevitably would because...well.. fact, I spent a lot of time feeling unheard and also very frustrated. I remember one day I realised that it was all perception. If we as humans are multidimensional vibrating beings, and ostensibly waves of movement, as is everything else around us, all vibrating at different frequencies but otherwise completely interconnected and the only thing "solid" is what our minds perceive, then life is entirely about perception. There is no fact, there is only opinion and if Carl Jung could bring the collective unconscious into science then I would think it's safe to say (in my opinion) there is no original thought either. I'll stop that one there because thats a whole different blog post. So after having that realisation, I started to feel a lot less frustrated. Like water on a ducks back, after many years of training, for limited snippets of time I can sit and allow my father to talk about what is and always has been, his perception of the subjects he chooses to discuss. Freedom started to develop when I realised most of it is not personal, people just do what they do.

All of that is intellectual though and we need to take into consideration that so much of what we interpret is also instinctual. Subtle cues in COMMUNICATION we aren't even aware we are tracking, as we build or maintain relationships. Here's the kicker though; interpretation of the information we are given through conscious and unconscious cues and what it triggers from our own bias, will impact our OPINION on situation or relationship.

The word clusterfuck comes to mind. No wonder one of the leading struggles in this world and causes for relationship breakdowns is poor communication and ultimately, trust issues. By this I mean, the ability to trust a person can or will hear you, see you and appreciate you. Is there such a thing as too much information to absorb? love languages, communication styles, personality types and oh my goodness, star sign alignment! How do we manage? When Im sipping my tea and contemplating it, I often think it should be simplified. How can two people meet randomly and just... click. It's not because they joined a page and matched their communication styles and interests. Like OCD dating we want it all to be perfect. We want that person to hold us, nurture our masculine/feminine, be our best friend, lover, husband/wife and all the rest. The pressure to be perfect! and what is perfection? in comparison to what? maybe, just maybe we are all perfectly imperfect.

Trust... trust is meeting a person and having that click, knowing you have your own back and if it ends after one week, or three months or 30 years, it's about acceptance, learning lessons and growing. No, that person doesn't owe you anything and no, you are not entitled to anything either. Accept, digest, grow and move on.

I recently had a conversation that had one point that stood out to me. When a relationship breaks down after so many years, you are left wondering if you knew the person at all. What came to mind for me, was a couple things; firstly, maybe you did have your eyes shut and in the face of the ultimate ending of that dynamic in the relationship you suddenly saw them as the person they truly are (within your own perception and bias of course) and were shocked, OR perhaps, its as simple as growing with people until finally you both step onto different paths. Both scenarios are incredibly confronting and as previously mentioned, trust comes from acceptance, not just of the other persons truth but also your own. Do you know your own truth? and will you accept it or deny it? and here is where your emotional maturity steps in. If your eyes were shut, will you accept and grow from this knowledge that perhaps part of the breakdown was that they did not feel seen or heard? or will you deny these possibilities and lose trust?

In my own experiences most of the acceptance comes from understanding I will always have my own back. Yes that can at times feel lonely, however, trust is so incredibly transient and rides on so many different influences it seems mad to seek the validation outside of ourselves. So number one of what I live by is: everything is based on opinion, which is a result of personal bias. One persons truth will rarely be the next persons and every single situation or conversation will be heard and interpreted differently based on a persons bias that influences their ability to interpret said information given to them. That was a mouthful, I hope you survived. Just remember it's rarely personal.

Every generation says that times are not like they used to be. I find myself saying it even now. Sometimes I like to think about when the beginning of this crumbling state of our society began and in my opinion I think the industrial revolution fucked it entirely. Separating family unit, dividing community and making every man fend for himself. The basis of our society is distrust. I saw this when I was in America 16 years ago and every advertisement was for law firms and suing your neighbour. This has effected our DNA, our evolution as humans and with each generation seemingly getting more and more self centred and egotistical. In the past 3 years I was introduced to the world of Tinder, snap chat and have met and gotten to know some very interesting characters that have deeply effected my ability to trust. Not because they have betrayed me, but because they have shown me their choices and that rocked my perception of the happy married couple facade. Flip side of that though is that I also developed the understanding that each relationships boundaries, morals and ways of functioning are entirely personal and there really is no right or wrong way. Polyamory, I discovered in Sydney 10 years ago and although it doesn't work for me, it did make me question our understanding of monogamy and whether it's normal or one of societies brainwashed schemes. Historically I read once that marriage became standard so men could keep track of the offspring their wives were having. I do however, approach all information as possibly being complete bullshit. So don't quote me on that as I wasn't there to see first hand. Mostly though, as I stepped into my 30's and the past few years taught me hard truths, I feel like I stand back and wait for people to serve themselves. A sad truth.

I spent many years with wide eyes, firey attitude and always giving people the chance before, in very painful ways, learning that not everyone was safe. Now that Im aware that there is not only narcissism but also victim narcissism and about 5 other variations and Im also aware that you can find people online, keep your profile hidden from those you want to block and then communicate through a platform where the messages can not be traced... well hot damn say goodbye to trust. After having friends who betray you and make you feel foolish for sharing your vulnerability, observing and having first hand conversations with married friends about their activities while working away, rocking your ignorant perception of seeing the best in people. Where did integrity go? When you meet someone and they tick so many boxes of similar interests and life goals BUT they have been warped by the porn industry and have unrealistic expectations or sex addictions, addictions in general, accompanied with neurodevelopment disorders and what ever other cocktail of fun psychological fuckery is going on, how in gods name can we trust? When did it all become so complicated!?

I don't mean to sound pessimistic, I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am perfectly aware that these experiences are not everyones and ignorance is so very blissful. However, for many, they are in the same boat. A series of experiences that have left you feeling... isolated. There is a way to gain trust again, and it isn't by doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Apparently thats called insanity.

I started practicing being grateful. When I lost friends because they crossed very clear boundaries and my heart ached from the betrayal and the self judgment of foolishness, I picked up a journal and I made a point of writing down three things a day that I was grateful for. On my journey and in my research I have come to the understanding that our mind creates our reality. What does this mean? it means our brain literally has no ability to differentiate in our thoughts, between past, present or future. If you sit and go over memories of trauma, your mind releases chemicals in response to it as though you are in that moment still. If you sit and think about your future as though it has already happened, thats the reality you create. So I may have learned the hard lesson that for me, male friends are not possible, however, from that lesson I overcame my discomfort with women and made a point to be grateful and from that I have gained the most amazing group of friends that I nurture in the best way I know how. Treat others as I wish to be treated, and if I want to be heard, to be seen and to be appreciated then that's exactly what I do for them. I am aware of my boundaries and I do not settle for people using me anymore, and yes its a shame when you meet people you see potential with and it falls on its face. However, a beautiful way of changing your perspective, is being grateful for the lessons you learned so you are better able to see these red flags early on. I also learned that building trust does take time and yes 100%, when a relationship breaks down you will most likely experience moments of wondering if you ever really knew that person, or even knew yourself. I experienced a very short relationship which turned into harassment and then public shaming because that person couldn't comprehend that they were.. dare I say rejected? Entitlement in passive aggressive and the openly aggressive actions and reactions. How dare I change my mind! The audacity. I have spent a long time feeling that no one listens. You may create boundaries but that doesn't mean people respect them. How I process this; BE THE CHANGE. I remind myself that every person including myself, have the god given right to change their minds, to grow and evolve, to create their own boundaries or to choose their own path and it might come at a shock but it doesn't mean that when they were with you that they were lying. There are definitely people who gaslight, but thats not what Im referring to right now. Accepting that people with good hearts, have freedom and they really don't owe us anything is a very good step in the direction of healing. Be grateful for those precious moments, they can be gone in a heart beat.

Does any of this solve trust issues? it's a journey right, so when they come up for you, when you are triggered, take a step back and have a really good look at the situation. Listen to your gut but understand that your bias based off of previous experience may be clouding what reality you are in at that present moment. Observe body language, listen for the words that aren't said but are painfully obvious and try not to fool yourself. No you can not change a persons mind, nor should you try, nor should you settle for less than what you deserve and for gods sake if you have low self-esteem, then jump on the bandwagon and work on yourself before you expect others to do all the work. No one likes a hypocrite. How can you possibly trust others if you can't even trust yourself?

And that my friends is my end of 2024 ramblings, thank you for taking the time to read. I love discussions so comment or message and lets have a mad debate!

Peace, love and light

Leila.