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My Internal Cave

Updated: Apr 23, 2021

As a part of my yoga and spiritual practice I meditate and read my cards to help me connect with my intuition, the collective unconscious and to my ancestors. I have a strong connection to the earth and to shamanism or native practices. Through these practices I have recently seen signs Ive needed to step back from the world a little and go internally. We all have a cave in which our internal self can hide away to reflect and heal.

Huge changes have been occurring for the past 5 years, ones that come with the frontal lobe finally maturing, but also they come with the journey I decided to take when choosing to be accountable for my actions. I've been dissecting the information that has been fed to me about... well, everything. One skill my parents passed on well, was the ability to critically think and not just accept without first researching and coming to my own conclusion. So there I was in my cave, wondering where the hell I was going to begin!?

In one lifetime, a person will experience hundreds of disappointments, betrayals and hurts. It isn't as though the universe actively is against you, as much as it may feel that way, but when there is a planet hosting billions of individuals, each with their own journeys, their own personalities, all navigating the hand they have been dealt; one is likely to experience disappointment and betrayal along the way, either by the hand of others or by your own.

I was reflecting on these hurts, namely ones I've gathered from toxic relationships, school years and friends and the obvious - our parents. Then I read a thought provoking post from a friend about rejecting and betraying parts of yourself in order to protect yourself from external rejections and betrayals. A paradox. Mind blown, I realised it was this paradox I was facing in my cave. I reject my sensual self, because I'm protecting her from being rejecting or betrayed again like she has time and time before. I struggle to relinquish control, to lean on others or ask for help, and I find it extremely scary to reach out for an embrace in any sensual manner that might leave me vulnerable and exposed. I know a few of you can relate!

I grew up with a father who has a difficult relationship with his beliefs about women, so I never really viewed myself in a healthy way as a sensual, feminine being who is vulnerable. These traits, which I know now add to my strength, were seen as manipulative. My father was by no means the only betrayal I experienced, but is one I think many of us can relate to. This isn't about a blame game, but an observation on what transpired for us to become who we are now in our present moment. Feeling betrayed is one of the most painful and difficult emotional states, often leading to a sense of despair and a feeling of being undone. So what does it mean for us to reject and betray parts of ourselves, in order to protect ourselves?

I felt my heart cry out at all the turns I've taken, all the choices I've made as a result of the experiences I've had and the hurts that occurred. My heart ached for the naive young child and the naive young woman. There is no anger toward her naivety, but compassion and a sense of motherly protection. I want to wrap my past self up in a warm hug and tell her it's all going to be okay. From betrayal there comes a metaphorical rebirth and people can find a way to move forward on the other side of it. This is not to take away from the pain of it, but from the ashes of betrayal, we rise up to a new and better life. With this in mind, standing in my cave wrapping myself in a hug, I ponder... are you really rising up if you continue to reject yourself? or is it only after you acknowledge your betrayals against parts of you, that you can start to release that fear and begin to embody your full potential; finally shifting into a new space of love and trust, nurturing all aspects of your being. With one door closing, another shall open.

I haven't miraculously healed myself, but I do feel like the direction I've now taken in washing away the belief systems of those that came before me, I am able to sit with my intuition and start making choices with intent, that manifest positive changes.


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